Gramps and The Baby Boomer

There's really not too much to report from the world of Granny and Gramps.

The oldest daughter is a GREAT mother - she goes to school, does her nursing clinicals and gives the Granddaughter so much attention, we rarely hear any loud, piercing screams of hunger. Actually, it is a very nice - the ability to wake up almost every morning hearing coos of baby laughter.

Our Drama Queen - is still our Drama Queen. I took her to the eye doctor for the much anticipated contact fitting the other day. The dr. put the contacts into her eyes:

"Mom - it feels like there is a piece of plastic sitting on my eyeball."

"Uh, dear - THERE IS A PIECE OF PLASTIC SITTING ON YOUR EYEBALL!"

"Oh. Grandma says I get my drama attitude from you. Do you think?"

"Ughhhhh."

Xbox Boy and Gramps are killin' me with "Left for Dead." Now, I've seen Gramps postings about the Zombies ... and I've seen his latest "ha!" towards Grandma and her playing Luxor; and despite his posting, that evil xbox system does NOT control my life - not like it does theirs.

Recently the oldest daughter upgraded her cell phone to the new TMobile "G1". It is a pretty cool phone with lots of neat games and other texting/calling capabilities ... My husband/My son - they found the "Zombie Finder" Yes, this phone will act as a mapping device and it shows us how close proximity the zombies are to our home.

And take 2am this morning for example. Gramps can't sleep. Where do you think he is? Yep, you got it - Killing Zombies! Why can't he do something productive at 2am? Ladies, You know what I mean - it would be nice if he would empty/load the dishwasher ... clean out the kitchen cupboards ... do a load of laundry - you know, the helpful stuff! Nope - He is KILLING Zombies!

Proving my point ... I have attached a recent picture of the Granddaughter. In this picture, Granny is feeding Ms Adorable her first cereal ... Gramps is in the background taking pictures and teaching her the sounds of the Dreaded Baby Boomer (again, from XBox - Left for Dead) ....

"BLUUAAAGHHHH"

The Zombie Apocalypse

Granny hates zombies.

Oh sure, we all hate zombies, don't we? But they really irk Granny these days. The reason is Left 4 Dead. This Xbox game is my latest passion. Xboy and I have wasted...er, I mean "invested"...many, many hours in this latest imagination of a zombie apocalypse.In the game, players take control of one of four human survivors--Bill, Francis, Louis or Zoey--and shoot, punch and burn their way through hordes of deliciously angry zombies to safety. The game has everything--gunpowder, explosions, body parts flying everywhere, and lots and lots of zombie blood. And that's just regular play.

The heroes--Francis, Bill, Zoey and Louis

If you play online, you get to play as one of the special zombies--hunters, smokers, boomers and tanks. These specials have unique skills and are quite powerful. If there is one thing better than blowing away hundreds of zombies to reach safety, it's ganging up on four puny human beings and hacking, strangling and pounding them into oblivion.

The villains.

It is so good I have even created a diary of a survivor on a separate blog (When the Dead Rise Up), in case you are interested in important tips about killing zombies. Go over there every once in a while for some bloody undead fiction.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a real life zombie apocalypse. Just don't tell Granny.

The Pot and the Kettle

You may recall that I am an Xbox aficionado. I could play for days on end, taking breaks only to use the bathroom and get more beer from the fridge. But you have to understand, I am in complete control of my Xbox play and can stop any time I want.

You may have gotten a different impression if you read Granny's comments about how evil the Xbox is and that it takes her husband and son away from her all weekend. She claimed that if she had her way, she would smash the vile machine into a million bits. Keep that in mind as you enjoy the following picture.
Yes, that adorable sleeping child in the photo is The Granddaughter. And the woman playing Xbox while cradling that child? Granny.

You see, Santa Claus brought an Xbox game for Granny that included Luxor. I don't get the appeal of Luxor, mostly because there isn't any gunpowder involved. Granny, however, can't get enough of it. Since Christmas, her children have been complaining about the time Granny spends in front of the television playing Xbox, the game system she called "evil."

I think a retraction of Granny's previous statements is in order. Don't you?

Things That Make ME Go ... Hmmmm!

"granny--I love you, but you don't know what you're talking about; Xbox is God's gift to humankind."

If the Xbox is God's gift to humankind, than what am I? Chopped Liver?!?!

Followed by, and again, I quote:

"I would be perfectly happy if my wife and I were the only two people on earth. She could putter around Asia during the day while I tinkered in Africa. Then, we could meet back in South America in the evenings to watch baseball on the couch. I could go for that."

We could be on separate continents during the day, and then meet back in the evening for baseball? And then, I have to play second to the XBox - and let's not forget the beer!?!?

Somewhere between these words, I am to find a self described crotchity old curmudgeon ... aka... my husband who insists to the world that "He Loves Me Most!" The man that I married seven years ago; somehow has disappeared ~ who knows where he went to, but perhaps he too has been swallowed by The Old Woman who Swallowed the Fly.

(a song that HE sings to our adorable granddaughter almost every night.)

Xboy: Batteries Not Included

While we are waiting for the new granddaughter to grow up, I think it is time to profile Xboy, our son, the youngest of the three.

Xboy stays with his mother during the week, but comes to us on the weekends and for a good portion of the summer. While he is with us, he thinks it is his God-given right to spend 98-percent of his time playing Xbox. The other 2-percent is to be spent leaving clothes and dishes around the house. He believes it is an act of child abuse if we do not allow this.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I should say here that I enjoy the Xbox as much as anyone. If I had a job that required me to play video games all day, I would willingly work overtime. Therefore, it is easy for me to allow Xboy to burn images of animated carnage onto his retinas for hours on end.

Yet, as much as I hate the idea, I do have to think like an adult sometimes. The rational part of my brain recognizes that there are important things like homework, chores, exercise, showers and the dreaded “family time.” (From our kids’ reactions, you would think that spending time with their family was the equivalent of throwing them into an arena full of lions.)

So, nearly every weekend, the following conversation inevitably occurs:

Gramps: Xboy, your mom is coming to get you at 6. You need to be ready to go by 5.
Xboy: (eyes not looking up from screen) Okay.
Gramps: Also, Granny asked you to clean the bathroom this morning. You haven’t done it yet. You need to do that immediately.
Xboy: Okay.
Gramps: Are you listening to me?
Xboy: Okay.
Gramps: The house is on fire. You’ll die if you don’t leap up and run out the back door right this second.
Xboy: Okay.
Gramps: (physically turning Xboy’s head so he is looking at me) Clean the bathroom now.

At this point, the situation begins to deteriorate. There is a great stomping of feet and numerous mutterings of outrage over the injustice of life in such a fascist home. I know that if I am not actually physically present to oversee the cleaning of the bathroom, it will not get done. That means I have the privilege of spending quality time with a hostile teenager who is working very hard to do the least amount of work possible.

It is likely that Granny, knowing my own fondness for the Xbox, will protest. She would tell you that I almost never forcibly pull Xboy away from his video games, and am in fact, an accomplice of his. Granny hates the Xbox. She would prefer that the console were stuffed into the garbage disposal (and she has a fondness for putting odd things in the garbage disposal, but that’s another story). So I don’t think she is an impartial witness.

But the truth is that my biggest struggles with Xboy are about his failure to do what he needs to do properly because he would rather play. There are weekends that I would like to take that boy, the child of my loins, and pound him into pudding with a potato masher. So far, I haven’t. I’ve heard they don’t give you beer in prison.

So, now, it is time for me to wrap this up so I can go home for lunch and play the...I mean, so I can fold laundry.