Living in a Cave Has Its Advantages

I am not a "people person." I generally do not like talking to people or hanging out with people or being friendly. I much prefer being a curmudgeon, and if I can do it in an isolated cave far from others, so much the better. And why not? About 95% of all the problems on this planet are caused by people. The rest of the problems are caused by cats.

Granny is definitely a people person. She loves to "communicate" and keep in touch with people. The worst part, however, is that she really loves kids. Granny really enjoys having kids around--even ones that aren't ours. I suppose that speaks to her kind heart and generosity. "Isn't that one of the reasons you married her?" you might ask.

I suppose you're right. But you have to admit that my point of view has some merit. In fact, I have compiled a list of an even dozen reasons why we should all shun people and become hermity curmudgeons. (I just made up that word--hermity.) I'm sure you could add twelve more reasons of your own.

1. People drive like idiots. (Otherwise known as "Get off your damn phone and watch the road!")

2. People let their dogs run off leash in clearly marked areas so their spoiled pets can nip at my heels and trip me up while I am running.

3. People do not clean up after their dogs.

4. People expect you to share your beer.

5. Maury Povich. This industrial-strength douche bag barely qualifies as a human being. I do not respect him or anything he does. He exploits the pain of others for his personal gain.

6. People at the beach are too lazy to carry their nasty garbage four feet to the trash can.

7. The San Francisco Giants.

8. People dreamed up the brilliant idea of unsolicited telemarketing and door-to-door sales.

9. Certain male people play on the fears and affections of young women for their own gratification, and then have the audacity to think they shouldn't have to accept the consequences.

10. People created decaffeinated coffee. Come on now, people. You might as well just shoot me in the face.

11. Dick Cheney.

12. Soy wheat gluten hot dogs. Only a human being could create such a travesty.

Since I am sure you are now inspired to make your way into a cave in the desert, I have only one word of advice: stay the hell away from my cave.

A Clueless Daughter, a Snot-Nosed Brat and a Smile

Disclaimer: The contents of this post are in no way intended to indicate that my commitment to my curmudgeony manner has decreased.

Two small episodes made me smile in the last 12 hours. The first occurred as Granny and I were going to bed. Through our closed bedroom door, we could hear our frickin' adorable granddaughter talking happily to herself. This went on for several minutes nonstop. Granny went into The Daughter's room to grab a midnight snack of that baby goodness. She came back chuckling to herself.

"Did you hear what your daughter said?"

"No," I answered.

"Your daughter said, 'Mom, the baby is not going to sleep. Her bedtime is 9:30.'" Isn't that great? The Daughter has given her 3-month-old child a bedtime! Hilarious.

Then, this morning, I was driving to work and stopped at a light. A woman pushing a stroller walked across the crosswalk. Her snot-nosed three-year-old (No, I do not know he was three. What are you, the Accuracy in Blogging Police?) held her hand and as he passed me, looked up at me.

I did something that is completely out of character for me. I smiled. He smiled back and waved. It changed the whole tone of my day. Something as little as a smile made a difference. That was nice. (And if you ever tell a soul about this, I'll cut you into little pieces and feed you to Dick Cheney.)

Top Ten Reasons I Should Not Be a Grandpa

10. I have a very low tolerance for anything that screams and/or poops.

9. I don’t know the words to “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.”

8. If it walks on all fours, it should live in a doghouse in the backyard.

7. I am a world-class curmudgeon.

6. I believe children should be shipped to India, not heard.

5. I hate to share my beer.

4. The sight of Oscar the Grouch causes me to weep uncontrollably.

3. I prefer to sleep through the entire night.

2. I have, on at least one occasion, dropped a baby.

1. I play “Chutes and Ladders” to win.