Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Interview with the Granddaughter

As a special service to our readers, Old Before Our Time is pleased to present the Granddaughter’s first ever interview. The Granddaughter sat down in her favorite swing with a warm bottle and spoke with one of our senior editors, Gramps. She shared her perspective on life at 13 weeks, the inconveniences that come with being frickin’ adorable, and diapers.

OLDBOT: Thank you for taking the time to visit with me. I know you have a very busy schedule.

GD: You’re welcome. The pleasure is all mine.

OLDBOT: I’m sure you won’t be surprised at the number one question on everybody’s’ minds. How in the world did you get to be so frickin’ adorable?

GD: That’s an easy one. I just tell everybody that I take after my grandpa. [Gramps and the Granddaughter laugh.] Seriously, though, I think it’s in my genes. I haven’t really done anything to earn this level of cuteness.

OLDBOT: I’m sure that everyone wants to be cute, but is it really everything it’s cracked up to be?

GD: I’ve seen more than my share of ugly babies, and given the choice, I’d rather be cute. But you always have to watch out for the fans. People always want to pinch my cheeks or hold me or talk baby talk to me. Frankly, that’s the worst. If one more person says “cootchie, cootchie, coo” to me, I’m going to puke.

OLDBOT: How do you deal with it when it is just too much?

GD: Ironically, I’ve found that spitting up a little bit of curdled milk usually does the trick. If that fails, I’ll wail my head off. Sometimes the stench of a really messy diaper can drive people away. There are times, though, when I just have to take it. I don’t have the strength yet to fight anybody off.

OLDBOT: Is it true that your cheeks are delicious and they grow back at night after I eat them off?

GD: Yes, that is true. I have the most delicious cheeks, and I live for Gramps to nibble them off before bedtime.

OLDBOT: What’s the biggest surprise about life outside the womb?

GD: While I was inside, I really thought it would be the colors. I imagined that the world would have a striking array of visual stimuli…and it does…but the biggest surprise has been the food. We don’t really get to eat on the inside—you know, the umbilical cord and all—but out here, the food is great. It’s all warm and tasty in my mouth. That totally blew my mind.

OLDBOT: What do you enjoy when you have a little free time, when you’re not schmoozing with your fans?

GD: On any given day, I like to sleep. I sleep as much as I can. I’m trying to save all my energy for when I get a job and can pay back Granny and Gramps for all the great things they’ve done for me. I also like to eat, as I said.

Then there’s crying. Sometimes a good cry will satisfy me for hours. Don’t tell my mom, but sometimes I just cry to mess with her. I’m not hungry or tired or anything. I just want to see what she’ll do to get me to stop crying.

Oh yes, there’s also the pooping. God how I enjoy that. Just got to keep the bowels moving, eh?

OLDBOT: Speaking of pooping, how are you adjusting to diapers?

GD: As you know, Gramps, I didn’t have any on the inside. Didn’t need ‘em. I find they chafe a little at the end of a long day. I’d rather not have them at all, but I can’t seem to get Mom to agree to that. I just can’t wait for the day when I can take them off all by myself and leave long trails of poop down the hall.

OLDBOT: You may want to wait until you and your mom move out, don’t you think?

GD: Of course not. [Laughs.] Don’t want you to miss out on all the fun.

OLDBOT: Tell us, what else are you looking forward to as you grow up?

GD: It’s definitely the beer. If you’ve taught me anything, it’s that it is all about the beer.

OLDBOT: I’m impressed. You’re learning fast! Again, thank you for spending this time with me. It’s been one of the highlights of my career as a journalist.

GD: You’re not a journalist, Gramps.

OLDBOT: Oh, yes. Well, thank you anyway.


Bobbie aka Secret Garden said...

What a nice conversation. It cracks me up to read your writings sometimes. Pretty good for not being a journalist, in my opinion! I did get your e-mails about the photo's. I am so glad you like them! If you ever need any done I can do a few here and there for you. They make great gifts on special occasions;0)Tell everyone the "stranger" says hello and give the baby an extra kiss on the head for me. (I was lucky enough to have one girl before the 3 mud stomping boys came along! So, needless to say I miss the pink dresses and such.) Take care and have a beer for me! I'll take a bud light!

Jennifer McKenzie said...

*snirk* I love this.
And it IS all about the beer. Or the whiskey (in my case).

Cate Subrosa said...

"Is it true that your cheeks are delicious and they grow back at night after I eat them off?"


Ha ha ha!

Oh, Gramps, you do crack me up.

Tink said...

Wow, giving interviews already! What an advanced baby. You should get her on Goodmorning America, quick. ;)

Eva said...

ha! and people say a daughter having a baby at 16 is no laughing matter!

i can't get this question out of om head:
"OLDBOT: Is it true that your cheeks are delicious and they grow back at night after I eat them off?"
i have a very young daughter myself, not a baby anymore, but she is very reluctant to behave like the 2-year-old she is and she does the exact same trick with her cheeks! and arms! and feet! ears! ...!