Thursday, May 28, 2009

Tap into the Taste of Grampatio

A while back, alert reader LVGurl noticed that Gramps looks suspiciously like the Tapatio guy. It is true that the face on the Tapatio bottle looks oddly Scotch-Irish and not at all Hispanic. One of my colleagues saw the resemblance a few years back and gave me a bottle. It now sits proudly on the bookshelf in my office.

Let's start with a couple of comparison photos. The one on the left is Gramps, and the one on the right is Mr. Tapatio in all his glory.

I have decided that the Tapatio people ought to hire me to do some extra PR work for them. I could put on a sombrero and fake moustache, and show up at parties and sporting events. What do you think? I'd rather get the Dos Equis job, but I have no resemblance to The Most Interesting Man in the World and, frankly, I'm not very interesting.

Anyway, here's Gramps as the Tapatio man. I think it could work. They could even rename their product "Grampatio."

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

WWC: "T" and "Not What They Seem"

Greetings and welcome to another super cool edition of the Weekly Word Challenge, brought to you by Pickled Beef, the top name in pig racing since 1973. This week's words are "T" (which, come to think of it, is a letter) and "Not What They Seem" (which is a phrase). Perhaps Tink is a little unclear on the concept.

Nevertheless, Granny, Gramps, The Granddaughter and Xboy went on a mountain retreat this weekend, and we got some frickin' adorable shots to match anything the WWC can throw at us.

T (Here is The Granddaughter with the Teens at the camp. One of those young men is Xboy.)

Not What They Seem (Drink up, little one!)

Bonus Photo #1
(Not our cat. Gramps hates cats.)

Bonus Photo #2 (The Granddaughter is getting ready to grab that cat by the tail. Did we mention that Gramps hates cats?)

We hope you enjoyed this week's WWC. Keep those cards and letters coming with your suggestions, and tune in next week when we'll present a photographic essay describing 15 different ways to skin a cat.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

WWC: "K" and "Metal"

Welcome to the Homebrew Edition of the Weekly Word Challenge, brought to you by the Pickled Beef Pub and Brewery. Tink stumped Gramps this week, but Granny came through with flying colors. Her creativity and skill with the camera gave us just the right shots. (But next year, Tink, no letters! Please.)

K (Are those bottle kaps?)

Metal (and lots of it)

Bonus Photo ("The Granddaughter drives hard to the hole...up and in with the left hand...and she's fouled!")

Whew. I'm exhausted. Thanks to Granny, we got this WWC post off in time. Please be sure to join us next week when we'll bring you more photos of the frickin' adorable Granddaughter surrounded by a sea of wine corks and baseball gear. This is Gramps--for Granny and the baby--saying good night, and don't forget to tip the old man.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Lesson Learned: Read the Label and Use the Dictionary

Since Granny and I have an unnatural obsession with The Granddaughter, you might think that she is the only child in our lives. We do have three others living at home: The Daughter (mother of our grandchild), Drama Queen and Xboy.

Yesterday I took Drama Queen to the family doctor to look at a scrape on her middle knuckle that just wasn't healing. After a bit of investigation, the doctor concluded the wound wasn't healing because every time a scab formed, Drama Queen would pick it off. She was under the impression that if she did that, she wouldn't get a scar.

You see, Drama Queen is deathly afraid of scars. She is afraid they will make her less than perfect physically. She is still under the impression that a young woman should strive for physical perfection. I wonder where she got that idea. Do you know where she might have gotten that idea, America's Next Top Model? How about you, Cosmopolitan? You, MTV? Thanks for screwing up my daughter's image of her own body, you jerks.

The doctor had given her some antibiotic cream several weeks ago for the cut, and now he added an antifungal. With the Drama Queen, if two creams are good, three are better. She found a third one in her bathroom that promised to shrink tissue (scar tissue, perhaps?) and provide relief from itching, burning and discomfort. So, in an attempt to remove the offending scars, she rubbed the stuff on her knuckles, and up and down her arms and legs to remove all the residual scars that a young person accumulates over the course 16 years.

She emerged in the living room and Granny said, "What the hell is that smell?"

"My cream."

"What cream?"

"This," she said, and handed the tube to Granny.

The Drama Queen doesn't particularly like school. She detests reading. Therefore, she didn't carefully read the words on that tube of ointment she had just slathered all over her body. But even if she had, it is possible she would not have known what "hemorrhoidal ointment" is really for.

She does now.

I think that when it is time for my speech at her wedding, I'm gonna tell that story.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

WWC: "Arch" and "Purple"

Good day and welcome to another exciting episode of the Weekly Word Challenge. This edition is brought to you by Tink, just back from yet another booze-soaked cruise. The words for today are "arch" and "purple." Can you imagine the words she would have given us if she had been sober?

Arch (That cowducken is her favorite water toy. So fascinating.)


Bonus Photo (Aren't Granny and The Granddaughter so frickin' adorable?)

That's all for this week's star-studded episode. Please tune in next week for more pictures designed to make you vomit with joy.

Later this week: the proper uses of hemorrhoid cream. Don't touch that dial!

Monday, May 11, 2009

She's Alive!

I often use the phrase "frickin' adorable" on this blog. I also use it in real life when playing with The Granddaughter. Yesterday, I said aloud how "frickin' adorable" my granddaughter is. Except I didn't say frickin'. I said that other thing. Yep, on Mother's Day. My bad. What could I do? She is that adorable.

But now, your requests have been heard, and it is my honor and privilege to present to you my f**ckin' adorable granddaughter's worldwide video debut!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

WWC: "Bokeh" and "Heart"

It is WTF at WWC this week. Tink has run out of actual words and is now making them up for the Weekly Word Challenge. Nevertheless, The Granddaughter strutted her stuff, and we got some great shots. If pictures of cute babies make you vomit, you may want to skip to something more appropriate for you. On to the baby goodness...

Bokeh (Yeah, we had to look it up, too.)


Bonus Photo ("Right back at ya!")

This week's episode has drawn to a close, and we thank you for joining us. This is Gramps, for Granny and The Granddaughter, saying good night, and drive safely.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Gramps Speaks; the World Listens

Xboy and I cranked up the Eagles' "Hotel California" yesterday. Thanks to Guitar Hero, he has learned to enjoy classic rock. Hearing the song again reminded me that it is, hands down, the greatest rock song ever. After listening to more of the Eagles, you have to wonder whether they might be the most talented group of musicians since the first human being thumped a hollow log with a stick or whistled beneath the stars. I'll leave that up to debate, but not my prior assertion. "Hotel California" is at the top.

Because you look to Gramps to tell you what to think, I'll give you a short list of other bests. Feel free to debate these with me, but know that you will be wrong.

Best Sport Baseball. This is not only a sport, but also a way of life, a quasi-religion. It mimics life, and its history, heroes and statistics set it head-and-shoulders above any other sport.

Best Beer Stone Brewing Company's India Pale Ale. Pale ales are the crown jewels of beer, and this IPA has strong flavor, but is perfectly balanced. If you want to get on Gramps' good side, send me a case of Stone's IPA. Really. Do it. Today.

Best Season Spring. Spring just beat out Fall for the title.

Best Flu 1918. This powerful strain beats the swine flu to a pulp.

Best Snake California king snake.

Best Meal Made by Granny Meatloaf. Granny makes tons of good stuff, including vegetable soup, chicken and dumplings, and greens, but my favorite is her meatloaf. She's also not afraid to try new things. She has added many new favorites to our household over the years.

Best Movie Line "Inconceivable!"

Best Novel Ernest Hemingway's For Whom the Bell Tolls. I first read this in my 30s, and have ever since cursed fate that I discovered it so late in life.

My list has many more items, but I need to deliver it in small doses because the sheer genius might blow your mind. In the meantime, pack up that beer and be sure you use lots of styrofoam. We wouldn't want to lose a precious drop now, would we?

Friday, May 1, 2009

My Silver Lining in a Very Dark Cloud

This past week has been hell!

Gramps left me home alone with two teenager girls and a 6 month old teething (yet frickin' adorable) baby, while he went off galavanting in the sunshine and waves of San Diego. He would like everyone to think that this was an unavoidable convention with his business collegues and that he would be stuck in a hotel room with an old geezer who is more talkative than what he can handle in a year; let alone 7 days, but Gramps - Granny is on to you!

I know about those 7 cases of beer stashed away in the trunk and under the passenger seats of that speed racer going down the 405 at 65mph. I know about the basketball shoes and your favorite 70s shorts that you tried to sneek into the glove compartment; even though we BOTH know you are TOO OLD to run up and down a court like you were back in high school. And yes, dear - I even know about that old, ratty, worn out catcher's mitt that you grabbed from the garage ... the one buried between all of your baseball cans from who knows how long ago.

Let me tell you kind ppl what happened while Gramps was away. 1. Some of my health tests came back ... more abnormal than what we'd like. I'm not dying or anything, but I do have to make some minor health changes. 2. The Daughter had a really bad day at the dentist office, starting with two teeth that needed fillings and ending in 48 hours of pain and tears. 3. The Drama Queen whined more than normal - about anything and everything, and wants to know WHY she can't have the new pair of shoes sported by the US First Lady ... costing $540.00! 4. The Xboy catulpulted to me off to Timbuktu in a rubberband slingshot, leaving me to die a slow and painful death by waterboarding. 5. I was left speechless on Wednesday when one of my favorite Idols was left standing in the bottom 3 ... 6. Our LA community joined the world, worrying about whether or not the Swine Flu has infiltrated our school systems. 7. I attempted to start the Twilight Series - three times - I don't get the excitement ... and the list goes on and on and on!

However, in the midst of all this downpour - while on my home from a cookie run the other night, I passed this 35-40 year old man riding down a CA hill on a skateboard. Strapped to the front of the board, with cargo straps ... is a case of beer. Because the stars were out and traffic is going fast in both directions - I slow down and let this man continue his ride ... right into the back of a parked pick up truck!

Hurry home, Gramps! In addition to the most adorable Granddaughter in the world, a teenager daughter who wants a pair of $540 shoes and a yard full of dog crap ... Your loving wife misses your twinkling blue eyes and loving hugs! Oh yes, there's a case of beer left in the drive way with your name on it!