Thursday, April 16, 2009

Living in a Cave Has Its Advantages

I am not a "people person." I generally do not like talking to people or hanging out with people or being friendly. I much prefer being a curmudgeon, and if I can do it in an isolated cave far from others, so much the better. And why not? About 95% of all the problems on this planet are caused by people. The rest of the problems are caused by cats.

Granny is definitely a people person. She loves to "communicate" and keep in touch with people. The worst part, however, is that she really loves kids. Granny really enjoys having kids around--even ones that aren't ours. I suppose that speaks to her kind heart and generosity. "Isn't that one of the reasons you married her?" you might ask.

I suppose you're right. But you have to admit that my point of view has some merit. In fact, I have compiled a list of an even dozen reasons why we should all shun people and become hermity curmudgeons. (I just made up that word--hermity.) I'm sure you could add twelve more reasons of your own.

1. People drive like idiots. (Otherwise known as "Get off your damn phone and watch the road!")

2. People let their dogs run off leash in clearly marked areas so their spoiled pets can nip at my heels and trip me up while I am running.

3. People do not clean up after their dogs.

4. People expect you to share your beer.

5. Maury Povich. This industrial-strength douche bag barely qualifies as a human being. I do not respect him or anything he does. He exploits the pain of others for his personal gain.

6. People at the beach are too lazy to carry their nasty garbage four feet to the trash can.

7. The San Francisco Giants.

8. People dreamed up the brilliant idea of unsolicited telemarketing and door-to-door sales.

9. Certain male people play on the fears and affections of young women for their own gratification, and then have the audacity to think they shouldn't have to accept the consequences.

10. People created decaffeinated coffee. Come on now, people. You might as well just shoot me in the face.

11. Dick Cheney.

12. Soy wheat gluten hot dogs. Only a human being could create such a travesty.

Since I am sure you are now inspired to make your way into a cave in the desert, I have only one word of advice: stay the hell away from my cave.

6 comments:

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I have the same marriage you do. It is a given that my husband will disappear about 2+1/2 hours into a party--even if we're the ones throwing the party!

Cate Subrosa said...

I'm all in favour of hermitiness.

I bet you love a good decaf soy latte.

Jennifer McKenzie said...

More fodder for your hermity list.

AIG.
Somalian Pirates.
Congress.
Sony Corporation (who is a bunch of uptight executives about music).
The IRS.

Momo Fali said...

I think I would like your cave. I certainly agree with what you said about cats...and beer.

Have the T-shirt said...

I have become a cave person, but I refuse to believe I'm a curmudgeon.

JerseyTjej said...

I have read all the way back and just HAD to leave my kronor. I want to be in the cave also. Thank you for showing me the way to a hermity curmudgeons life.
Boy that grand baby is cute! I want one, 'cept my boys are only 16 and my heart can't take it...